As much as I’d like to write this bio in third person like a professional, I can’t bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like a tool.
Hello! I am a nice young lady working for a lovely reproductive rights non-profit organization and residing in gentrifying Brooklyn, NY by way of Orange County, CA (ew). I’m also a freelance sex columnist for some spiffy feminist magazines, so peep my shit if you need to be convinced to visit a dildo shop or educated about female ejaculation and vibrators.
I will ruin your dinner party with totally unfun discussions of feminism, critical theory, and atheism while sticking it to your loudmouth, misogynist uncle who was dumb enough to think he could take me on. Then I’ll get naked and swing my tits around, effectively dismantling any previous argument I had made for women’s liberation. I am a disappointment to heterosexual men everywhere with when they quickly discover I am not all hot on being complicit in my own oppression, which makes dating/trying to get laid a total blast.
I love public transportation, factories, sleeping, burritos, nudity, television, soft serve ice cream, comedy, and Diet Coke. I am angry at patriarchy and winter and the scarcity of good Mexican food in NYC, and if more than two days pass without sunshine, I go absolutely fucking bananas. I have many, many, many tattoos but don’t like to talk about them to anybody, ever (however, I will reveal that I have one of Bert and Ernie, which rules your face, and the title of my blog is inked on my crotch in script – I am hella classy). Everybody wants pictures, so here you go buttholes:
Business
Party
P.S. If you talk shit on my fashion brow, I will murder you.
27 Comments
October 4. 2008 at 6:11 pm
I just wanted to say that I think your website is a really useful thing because I would have no idea about some of the creepy fucked up shit you have on here. that christian discipline shit is scary to no end.
p.s.- I think your tattoo sounds awesome.
October 4. 2008 at 8:22 pm
Haha, it IS awesome. Thanks for visiting!
October 22. 2008 at 5:29 pm
I like the blog. It’s fun.
I would go on and on, but you have sensibly forbad shit-talking, which I assume extends to excessive complimentary verbiage. That sort of thing justs embarrasses all involved.
October 29. 2008 at 3:32 pm
Dude…compliments are never forbidden.
October 29. 2008 at 4:22 pm
Ah, well, in that case… what’s not to like about a woman who speaks her mind unashamedly and manages to entertain at the same time?
Your blogs are two of my favorite subscriptions.
November 3. 2008 at 11:47 am
Wait a minute…blogs plural? I only have one, yo.
November 3. 2008 at 1:09 pm
My mistake. I’m obviously having trouble keeping up. Someone told me recently that they had two blogs and I must have got it into my head that it was you.
So what I said still goes, of course… just with some abstruse mathematics applied. In fact, (stay with me here), I think I can truthfully say that I am more impressed since it’s now unequivocally a matter of condensed, one-stop-shopping, entertainingly-unashamed mind-speaking of the first water.
Phrew! Do I seem like less or more of a blathering idiot now?
January 25. 2009 at 2:17 am
i have spent almost my entire day off trawling your archives. you are a fucking SUPERHERO.
also, did part three of your three-part female ejaculation epic ever get posted? about 90% of the people in my life need more education on the subject than i am capable of giving with my nigh-incoherent, wrathful insistence that IT ISN’T PEE DAMMIT.
January 29. 2009 at 9:04 am
You are very naughty. You need a good spanking ; )~
January 29. 2009 at 12:39 pm
Shhhhhuuuuuuddder. Ew ew ew ew ew.
The only reason I approved the comment above is so I could respond to it because it skeeves me to my very core.
If I’m ever kidnapped and/or murdered, will someone do me a favor and point the cops in this guy’s direction? Ew, gross, shudder. Go fuck yourself and please don’t ever read my blog again.
P.S. He left another comment talking about how hot Sarah Palin is, which gives further insight into the level of both his intelligence and respect for women (hint: low). I did not approve it (for obvious reasons).
February 23. 2009 at 11:03 pm
Kendall,
It is truly good to know you have not changed a bit. Sincerety with integrity is a commodity in short supply. Keep up the good fight and feel free to let you hair down a bit. I did, but it kept on going and just left.
Best 2 ya,
D
February 24. 2009 at 2:17 am
Kendall,
Good to know one of my favorites is still doing well, acting with integrity and being true to one’s self…keep up the good work and educate those who often need a slap in the face.
Dave
March 9. 2009 at 7:07 pm
Ah! Just got here, can’t wait to get further into the archives and shit. Madly in love already. Especially with the fashion brow. I think your blog will be my new best friend.
March 11. 2009 at 6:48 pm
I’m kind of pissed that my eyebrows are too pale for that shit to show up properly if I did it. I’m trying to figure out how I can look more like Riff Raff from From G’s to Gents without getting an MTV neck tattoo. He’s way into fashion brow.
March 12. 2009 at 10:03 am
I’ll let you in on a little secret – I mascara my eyebrows. They’re pretty pale and the fashion brow is a little weak without the inky help. The fashion brow is also the result of a scar from eating shit when I was two and splitting my forehead open. Hair grows pretty choppy in that area and kind of naturally makes those breaks, but I do have to help it out or it just looks like weird patches.
Hipsters with fashion brows: they’re just like US!
April 25. 2009 at 6:22 am
Is that Goldmember? LOL!
April 25. 2009 at 6:34 am
The “sex is for fags” link is hilarious. Which do you think is funnier: the 1 for boys or the 1 for girls?
April 29. 2009 at 8:55 am
I love your website. It’s making me putting off going to bed, and I have class in the morning! Sigh…
June 5. 2009 at 1:05 pm
Hello,
I wanted to write you to tell you how much I enjoy your blog. I wanted to get in touch with you for a few reasons. My name is Laura, I am a marketing assistant at Eden Fantasys. We are an online adult community and e-tailer. Over the past few years we have developed a wonderful community of contributors from everywhere. We offer open forums for them to discuss issues without fear of prejudice. We have thousands of customer reviews with material guides. We also offer online interviews with manufacturers, artists, social media gurus and many others. We also have an online magazine devoted to the exploration of sex and culture. It’s fun, informative and educational. I find our community truly amazing and I love working with them all.
Over the past few months, the company has worked hard to raise awareness of what we have to offer and have been working with other great bloggers using fun promotions like contests and reviews. We also utilize editorial write-ups to spread the word and of course, to have fun too.
I would be honored if you would be interested in working with Eden Fantasys to help bring your community and ours together. I know you are a freeelenace writer for another e-zine and I also read the 3 weeks of hell you said you went through with trying out sex toys, but perhaps you would consider us? Please let me know if that is a possibility you would consider.
Either way you decide, thank you again for your wonderful blog and I look forward to reading it in the future.
Sincerely,
Laura M
http://www.edenfantasys.com
http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis
laura@webmerchantsinc.com
July 30. 2009 at 1:21 pm
why do you have fucking armpit hair you dirty disgusting disgrace to life in general…
August 5. 2009 at 5:21 pm
hey great blog. i stumbled on it doing research for sta-hard gel somehow… what? and i stayed, reading up on female ejaculation (one of my favorite subjects)
anyway, i like to write about sex too, and then film the results. i have a webseries that you might enjoy, as a sex columnist and fellow Brooklynite. it’s a sex comedy called Brooklyn is for Lovers at http://bi4l.tv. i’d be interested in what you thought.
keep up the good work!
August 5. 2009 at 5:45 pm
Awesome! I will definitely check it out!
August 26. 2009 at 2:56 pm
Oh my god. I love you and your blog so much. You are the best person alive!
Also, I have a tiny little penis.
November 1. 2009 at 11:34 pm
“I will ruin your dinner party with totally unfun discussions of feminism, critical theory, and atheism while sticking it to your loudmouth, misogynist uncle who was dumb enough to think he could take me on.”
I dig this… especially because I actually have a macho misogynist uncle. Any pointers on dealing with this particular personality type?
November 3. 2009 at 12:37 pm
I think my previous comment has no place on this blog and was a kind of crappy thing to ask. Since I am a man I should just figure out how to deal with them on my own.
I think this blog and others like it are doing something good and I hope that it will make things better for Women.
November 8. 2009 at 1:12 pm
Kendall – You are pretty much the shit. I’m so glad that women like you exist. Keep being fabulous.
Kitty
November 15. 2009 at 3:07 pm
Duncan, I really don’t have any pointers on dealing with that personality type because I pretty much have one mode and one mode only: call them on their shit. It’s not fun, and it certainly doesn’t earn you friends, but it’s the right thing to do. Silence = complicity.
I guess I do have a few techniques. One I like to call it “Peel the Onion,” aka “The 3 Year-Old.” It’s very simple: for every toxic gender norm or claim of superiority that said uncle spews, I simply ask “why?” (Note: you usually have to jump in and correct their answers or, at the very least, guide the conversation.)
Here is an example:
“What’s the problem with objectifying women? They choose to show dudes their tits and ass, so they obviously like it!”
“Why?”
“Because they want dudes to stare and like them!”
“Why?”
“Because it gives women power over men!”
“Why?”
“Because dudes will do anything for sex!”
“Why do you think this type of power seems so appealing to women? Is it because we’re conditioned from birth that our worth as human beings depends entirely on how much men want to fuck us? Is it because sexual attention from men is considered to be one of life’s most prestigious gold stars? What kinds of women do they feature in magazines for men? Do you find it problematic that we live in a society in which the only way women can gain power is by using their sexuality?”
“Well, men’s worth is based on how much money we make!”
“Why?”
“Because women want someone to pay for them and take care of them!”
“Why?”
“Uh, because they’re golddiggers who are lazy?”
“Oh, so not because women aren’t encouraged to be independent, or because they make 60 cents to every man’s dollar, or because work that is typically regarded by society as “feminine” tends to be either unpaid (housewife) or lower-wage with little chance for advancement (maid, nanny, nurse, secretary, etc.)? Or, again, because we’re taught that using our sexuality to gain power via male acceptance (and money) is the quickest and most socially acceptable way to survive?”
“uh…”
The “How Can I Make This Work for ME” aka the “Patriarchy Hurts Men Too!” technique, as deplorable as I find it, can also be quite effective. Same scenario:
“Women use their tits and ass to gain power over men by withholding/giving sex!”
“That must be really frustrating for you. Wouldn’t you prefer a society in which both men and women were considered to be equally interested in sex, and it wasn’t something that you had to drop a bunch of money or develop rapey techniques to “get”? Wouldn’t it be nice if women were encouraged to nurture their natural sexuality rather than be ashamed of it or use it as a bargaining chip to get money or power? Imagine going on a date with a woman who pays for her share, and then decides for herself that she’s going to sleep with you because you two clicked and she’s attracted to you, so you go back to her place and fuck, and the sex is good and she’s an enthusiastic lover who is interested in both her and your pleasure, because she’s been encouraged to be comfortable with her body and her sexuality and genuinely enjoys your company and has CONSENTED to the sex (rather than feeling pressured or talked into it or being straight-up raped). And not only is the woman a wonderful sexual partner, but she enhances your life in other ways, like being someone you can talk to and laugh with, and that supports you and you support her and she loves you for YOU, not your money or job or status, and you love her for HER, not her tits or ass or ability to throat your bone? Doesn’t that seem nice for everyone? WELCOME TO FEMINISM, BABY!”
You get the idea.
The third one is what I like to call “Fuck you.” It goes as such:
“Women are golddigging whores who use sex to trap men and steal their money.”
“Fuck you.”
The end.
And thanks Kitty!