Holy fucking shit. Long story short: Republican embarrassment Michael Steele uses the following tidbit to demonstrate why providing gay employees with partner benefits is exactly like sucking fat Al Qaeda wiener and taking a poo all over freedom, apple pie, Christmas, McDonalds, baseball, trucks, cowboys, and your mom:
“Now all of a sudden I’ve got someone who wasn’t a spouse before, that I had no responsibility for, who is now getting claimed as a spouse that I now have financial responsibility for,” Steele told Republicans at the state convention in traditionally conservative Georgia. “So how do I pay for that? Who pays for that? You just cost me money.”
God, I know, right? All this homo entitlement makes me totally sick. It’s almost like gay people expect to be treated like real human beings, with rights and everything! WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA, QUEERS?!
I see Steele’s point. Providing pesky pinko benefits for your staff costs a good Christian business money. Therefore, a great way to reduce the amount of hard-earned cash that the communists force you to spend on people is to have some of your employees not actually be considered people. You will not only save oodles of money, but also become a shining example of American creative business ingenuity and capitalistic know-how!
Actually, this little argument is pretty awesome for us. Why, under Mr. Steele’s logic, the institution of marriage itself – gay or, um, “opposite” – is a business liability. Does that mean that the GOP is going to go from “patriarchal hetero marriage and the nuclear family are the fundamental building blocks of society and those who don’t participate are terrorists!” to “marriage and family equal the death of small business, capitalism, and America. Uncle Sam wants YOU to stay single!”? I gotta say, as a person that thinks marriage is kind of a little bit of bullshit, I’d be pretty amped to see this happen.
I mean, either way, we can’t really lose here. Since neither the legalization of gay marriage nor the toppling of the institution itself isn’t likely to happen anytime soon, in the short term all a small business has to do to survive this wonderful economy is hire nothing but gay Atheist unmarried feminist non-reproducing baby-killing socialist fagtards! We are, literally, the most desirable candidates for any and all financially-savvy institutions nationwide. Suck on my balls, unemployment!
Hmmm…I smell the most beautiful of conservative inner struggles emerging: Do you love money more than you hate homos? Or do you hate homos more than you love money? You can also replace “homos” with “illegals” to play the 2006 version of this game, and if you’re really up for a challenge, use both.
Oh my god, somebody get thee to a Wal-Mart/sports’ bar/trading floor before I pass the fuck out.
3 Comments
May 26. 2009 at 3:40 am
I feel like I just had my brain come out of my nose.
May 26. 2009 at 12:33 pm
Oh, great. Now you’ve leaked the new Republican plank for the next election. Now the Islamodefeatocommunistocrats will be prepared.
September 17. 2009 at 4:28 pm
“Marriage and family equal the death of small business, capitalism, and America. Uncle Sam wants YOU to stay single!”
When this actually happens, I hope you’re compensated.
I quiver with excitement to see the propaganda on this slant.