Hey Catholics: Hows about NOT being total dicks (for once)?

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So I guess the Vatican updated it’s “Thou-Shall-Not” list of arbitrary and subjective “laws” we need to devote our lives to following, lest we wind up in the absolutely-for-real-without-a-doubt-totally-not-imaginary pits of hell:

In the Vatican’s latest update on how God’s law is being violated in today’s world, Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti, the head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, was asked by the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano what, in his opinion, are the “new sins.”

He cited “violations of the basic rights of human nature” through genetic manipulation, drugs that “weaken the mind and cloud intelligence,” and the imbalance between the rich and the poor.

Okay. I can even get behind the drug thing because, yeah, drugs and alcohol fuck a lot of shit up for a lot of people. I could go all conspiracy hippie theorist on your ass and claim that the REAL reason religious leaders don’t want you doing teh drugs is because they’ll expand your mind and encourage you to question authority and reality as you know it, therefore possibly undermining religion’s existing power over the behavior and thoughts of our collective society…but I won’t. And a total fucking “Amen” to calling out the imbalance of wealth. That’s a welcome break from the religious right’s usual stance of “fuck you Poory McNoMoney. I’m rich because Jesus loves me and I clearly deserve it and you don’t. Get a job.” I mean, I talk a lot of shit on Catholics, for obvious reasons, but you can always count on them to stand up for the poor – even if the majority of it is bullshit lip service that naive idiots swallow while the Church spends all their “charity” money bailing priests out of molestation charges. Whatever. It’s the thought that counts, I guess.

And, hey! Check it: the Virgin Mary’s hopping on the uber-trendy Green wagon! Oh, that Pope is so hot right now:

On the environment, both Pope Benedict XVI and the late Pope John Paul II frequently expressed concern about the fate of the Earth. During Benedict’s papacy, Vatican engineers have developed plans for some Holy See buildings to use solar energy, including photovoltaic cells on the roof of the auditorium for pilgrims’ audiences with the pontiff.

Sweet action. Does that mean the Catholic Church is going to tell us to stop eating dead animals ? Why am I thinking “no”? Maybe because it’s a lot easier to get religious douchebags to send you cash for your super-futuristic, Mega-Green3000^TM solar panel cells than to tell them to stop cramming their disgusting faces with Big Macs.

Oh, but then they lost me. Surprise, surprise. After waxing poetic on the evils of “social injustice,” Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti wriggles free of that pesky “priests diddling little kids” problem by criticizing those of us who dare to call their pervert asses out:

Closer to home, Girotti was asked about the many “situations of scandal and sin within the church,” in what appeared to be a reference to allegations in the United States and other countries of sexual abuse by clergy of minors and the coverups by hierarchy.

The monsignor acknowledged the “objective gravity” of the allegations, but contended that the heavy coverage by mass media of the scandals must also be denounced because it “discredits the church.”

Hm. So sexually abusing children is kind of a bummer, but it’d be swell if ya’ll could stop wagging your judgmental fingers at the men of God (I mean, we’re trying our best not to rape little kids, but it’s tough!), and focus your wrath on the people who dare to expose it because, well…it makes us look bad. Keep it down, eh? You’re messing up our profit margins.

Seriously. How did someone not punch him in his fucking nose when he said that?

And then there’s this:

Benedict has been leading the Vatican’s campaign against abortion, and Girotti was asked about the “widespread perception” that the church doesn’t consider the “difficult” predicament for women.

Girotti rejected that view, saying that Catholic organizations help unwed mothers, educating “their children who come into the world because of their lack of foresight” and facilitating adoption. (emphasis mine)

Um, go fuck yourself.

Fin.

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