Mar 14, 2006 10:23 PM
This is long but worth it.
I am subscribing to Playgirl because it is fucking brilliant. I originally thought it was for gay men or Midwestern housewives who fancy themselves as being “naughty” for being able to stomach pictures of cock, but I was wrong. Dead fucking wrong. Here I outline the hilarity of my first Playgirl experience.
Let me start off by saying that the only reason I originally purchased said Playgirl is because a few people that I have come in contact with over the years are featured in it this month (the comedy issue). Also, I like to support the arts. You are free to ask me which of this month’s Playgirl Cockstars I know, but I’m not going to tell you because I am a lady although I will tell you that it’s more than one, which is hilarious in itself if you ask me. So I went to Barns y Noble in Union Square because I am still painfully oblivious to where shit is in New York, having only lived here for two months. This was the first store I could think of that might possibly have it. I considered walking around Williamsburg and searching the smut racks at liquor stores, but the possibility (and high probability) of running into some hotass hipster while cruising the girlieporn mags did not bode well, so I opted for the anonymity of a pretentious, overpriced book chain.
After three flights of escalators (if you live in California like I did, you are really amused that stores in New York go UP, not OUT. Even Targets are like, four stories here and they have separate little special escalators for carts!), I perused the Women’s Interest section, but my precious Playgirl alluded me, so I found a salesperson and whispered in as quiet a voice as I am capable of (which is pretty loud) “psssstttt…where might I find Playgirl?” She looked up and loudly replied “Oh. We don’t have Playgirl here! Try the newsstand around the corner on Union East – they have porn!” I started backing away the minute she opened her mouth, but I caught the part about the newsstand, so after asking people on the street because I still have no fucking concept of where east is, I found the newsstand/bong shop (sidenote: if any of my friends want to get me a gift, make it a compass, PLEASE, because people in New York like to say things like “walk south three blocks and then go west,” and it makes me cry). Right there next to the gay porn was Playgirl. I snatched it and plopped the mag down proudly in front of the guy at the register. “Is this all?” he asked. “Actually, can I get a blueberry blunt wrap and a thing of rolling papers, please?” If you are a cop, I am totally not going to smoke marijuana out of these things later. He wrapped up my porno and drug paraphernalia and I marched back to the Union Street station to wait for my L train.
I couldn’t wait until I got back to my apartment to crack into my purchases, so I busted out my porno on the subway. Aside from these two men that kept laughing at me, nobody seemed to notice and let me stare at penises in peace. Ok, let me just say that Playgirl has so much cock in it that it makes ME giggle, and I am not knocked off guard easily because I’ve stared at my fair share of dick. Second, I was unimpressed with said cock because it was…smaller than I thought it was going to be. Being a self-declared size queen, I like big sticks and I’m sick of kissing dude’s asses and protecting their fragile egos by pretending their needle dicks are getting me off. What the fuck, Playgirl? Why are all of the shlongs in your mag so damn…average? Are the women in Maxim or FHM or Playboy average? FUCK NO! Why are we letting the dudes off the hook? If I am going to feel insecure about my giant thighs or fat arms, fuck you dudes, you’re going to stress about your average, only quasi-satisfying wieners. I am PAYING to look a beautiful man meat and I want to see a hard, thick eight incher, goddamnitt!
While I was sad to see few penises that live up to my standards in a magazine that prides itself on featuring big, beautiful cocks, the photo spread of nothing but dicks posing with props was absolutely, rock-your-tits-off amazing. My personal picks were the Peeping Peter (a penis with a little pair of binoculars resting on it) and, of course, the Stoner Boner (“it’s all about lazy days and hits from the dong”), which was simply a joint and a dick – quite possibly my two favorite things in the world. Throw in a carton of TastiDLite, and you have the best night ever.
In conclusion, Playgirl is fantastic. Along with all the dick pictures there is an article on the new wave of designer vaginas via surgery, which, if you listen to me rant on a regular basis, you know how much I hate. I didn’t read the article because I was distracted by all the jizz slingers, but I am hoping it says “this is wrong and terrible and men should stop telling women they should slice off their vaginas, and you women should stop listening to them.” I’m hoping. I do think it’s weird that they have people like Aziz Ansari and Eugene Mirman in it, because, um, no offense, but are people who read Playgirl going to know who the fuck they are? Probably not. You fellas are geniuses and everything, but what the fuck? I think they may have missed the mark on their target market, but Playgirl gets props for catering to the young ladies who like porn and alternative comedy. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one, so I guess I’ll have to buy, like, 347,000 copies of this shit. You guys should seriously pick up this month’s issue though, because the Penis Portraits alone are worth $4.99, not to mention the centerfold of the guy spread-eagle, dipping his willy into shag carpeting.
P.S. I can’t resist noting that one of the men in the magazine really should have nutted up and shown his junk, because I know from personal experience that it’s more impressive than those belonging to the rippled, oiled up hunks whose dicks were prominently featured. Just saying.
1 Comment
March 13. 2009 at 7:41 pm
I just wanted to say you are my kind of woman damn i wish there were more women where i live that would tell me what they like just as you so very vocally do great artical by the way!!!!!!!!!!!1