Nov 03, 2005
When it comes down to it, I really just want someone cute and giggly and non-threatening. I like to say that I appreciate independent women, but what I really want is a woman who makes their own money, so I don’t have to pay for shit. Independence is unattractive, and though you’re allowed more than you used to have, you’re still only allowed only so much. Please, by all means, have opinions, but let’s try not to talk about them. I want a strong, independent thinker with a mind of her own – not a mouth. You’re allowed to be a feminist, but you’re not allowed to act like it. You should like sex, as long as you only like it in the bedroom, when someone else’s pleasure depends on it. Let’s keep the whore in the bedroom and put the virgin on the street, please. Politics are for men, little lady, so even pro-choice, vegetarian environmentalists are going to pick the girl that looks nice in that Urban Outfitters skirt – not the one that can shout “1 2 3 4 we don’t want your fucking war!” louder than him. Don’t forget to smile! Pensive, brooding looks are only hot on men – nobody wants a bitch. Shhhhh stop telling my friends not to joke about rape. They don’t mean it. They’re not racist or homophobic, even though every other word out of their mouth is nigger or faggot.
Hey, look at me. I’m an art/film/philosophy major, and I’m really enlightened and progressive. I have dirty, messed-up, hipster hair and I’m trying to look like I’m not trying to grow a beard that I really am trying to grow. I complain about Supreme Court nominees and what it’s going to mean for Roe V. Wade. I like to shake my head and talk about how “it’s all so fucking messed up”. However, my girlfriend is skinny and has killer style and nothing to say and that’s the way I fucking want it. Girls shouldn’t weigh themselves down with things like wage gaps and the oppressiveness of capitalism. They should like ironic music and pop culture. Dance party! Leave it to me to frown about patriarchy.
Why don’t we try honesty for a change? There are so few truly progressive men out there. If I had a quarter for every dude who swore up and down that he was a feminist, yet winced when he saw my hairy armpits, I’d be a fucking millionaire. If I had a quarter for every man that thought my hairy armpits were sexy, I’d have 50 cents (and 25 cents for the one guy that was man enough to lick them, which was awesome). Why don’t we admit to ourselves that the most attractive quality in a woman is appropriate silence? Knowing when to giggle, shut your mouth, and the few times when it is ok to object is fucking important to men – and don’t you dare forget it.
Honesty.
