Dear frat guy buying a pregnancy test while sweating profusely in Ralphs at 9:30 pm

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Jul 24, 2005

Dear frat guy buying a pregnancy test while sweating profusely in Ralphs at 9:30 pm,

Ha ha. The next hour will be the worst hour of your life. You will find out you got your girlfriend pregnant. Say goodbye to your manhood and penis as you know it.

You got what you deserve, you fornicator. You had premarital sex and you made the baby Jesus cry. You sat through a rigorous session of abstinence-only sex education (that we forced on your school because it was too poor to refuse the federal money), and you still didn’t learn that humans are NOT naturally sexual beings and that sex outside of marriage is basically like punching God in the balls. You just punched God in the balls, and He is not happy.You should have used a condom, although, I really don’t know why you would because part of our abstinence-only education entails emphasizing the failure rates of condoms and other contraceptives. Hell, the way we talk about it, you’d think that condoms are equivalent to slapping a volleyball net on your dick. We make damn sure that you don’t have sex before you’re married, and if you do, we ensure that you don’t use a rubber – sex is a dirty, awful, Democrat sin, and it should have drastic, life-altering consequences, even if they’re preventable. (We also hate seat belts, airbags, and fire extinguishers.)

Oh, but a condom isn’t the final word in reproductive freedom, you say? Thankfully we’re working diligently using propaganda and ideology-fueled “science” to make the general public believe that Emergency Contraception is the same as an abortion. Come to think of it, so is the Pill. Women on the Pill, you should know: it’s like having 50 abortions EVERY month! No wonder we’re backing up those pharmacists who refuse to fill those dirty whores’ Ortho Tri Cyclen prescriptions. We, as white men have a JOB to do, and that job is to make sure that women, even if married, should not be able to control how many babies they have – it’s up to their HUSBANDS. Husband is, after all, just one step below God. Sorry, but wife is two, bitches.  Listen kids, avoiding an unplanned pregnancy is actually really simple, but we like a challenge. We’re constantly making Emergency Contraception harder and harder to acquire because you deserve to wallow in the fate of your fornication devil fetus.

Of course, abortion is a legal option in this country, but we have a real problem with an easy, extremely safe medical procedure that empowers those dirty hippie sluts. No fear: with laws in place requiring underage girls to get parental permission before having an abortion, we’re making sure that those slutty 14 year olds HAVE to tell their parents about the rape and then undergo the trauma of their father beating the shit out of them because they were stupid enough to let some guy roofie their Diet Coke. Here in America, we value a culture of life – not yours or your girlfriend’s, of course, but the lives of those FULLY GROWN HUMANS (science is for pussies!) floating around inside dirty teenage cunts. Didn’t you know that by the 5th day of pregnancy, your baby already has a heartbeat, fingernails, and the ability to play the violin and cure cancer? How dare you even consider an abortion, you murderer? God, women are so selfish! It’s only your body, health, time, money, education, and future! You obviously do not respect LIFE! Excuse me, my double bacon cheeseburger is here and Fox News is about to take a break from Iraq war footage to show a retard being executed.

Yum, that was delicious. Anyway, though abortion is a legal option, and though it is pretty easy to find an abortionist in Southern California (everyone else is pretty much fucked), we’ve managed to instill a sense of shame, guilt, and fear into young women all over the county. So much so, in fact, that people who aren’t even pro-life are opting out of abortions! I have no idea how we’ve managed to fuck women so badly, but give ‘em enough rope, I guess.

So you knocked your chick up. It was her fault, really. She wore that push-up bra and had the audacity to own a vagina. But seriously, it’s your responsibility too, because if you leave, your baby will have an overbearing mother and an absent father, and undoubtedly become a faggot who dies of AIDS. You don’t want to give your baby Gay Cancer, do you? DO YOU?

So now you have to drop out of school and work at the gas station full time to support your easily preventable mistake – a mistake that we worked hard to prevent you from preventing. You will undoubtedly live below the poverty line and seek governmental assistance (something we really fucking hate). What’s that? You need food for you and your new baby? Go get a job, you teat-sucking welfare queen! What’s that? You need health care for you and your new baby? Go to Planned Parenthood…oh wait, we firebombed your local clinic last week. Well, go get a job, you teat-sucking welfare queen! What’s that? You can’t get a job because you can’t afford daycare or babysitters? Uh…uh…go get a job, you teat-sucking welfare queen! Or go to church. Church solves everything.

Haha – you are totally fucked.

Bottom line: shoulda kept it in your pants, soldier. I mean, you’re 22 years old – how the hell can you possibly think you’re ready for sex? The only reason you women have sex is because you’re idiots with low self-esteem who are trying to make your boyfriends love you, and the only reason you men do it is because you’re biologically wired to fuck anything that moves and you just cannot control yourself. Because of feminism and the fact that they don’t allow prayer in schools, young people think an afternoon spent jerking off and sucking dick is perfectly acceptable. Well, it’s not. Do you have any idea how DIRTY your own genitals are? You might as well let a hobo shit in your mouth.

Even though the research shows that the steps we are taking to prevent teen pregnancy and the transmission of STDs through the moral legislation of abstinence are actually having the OPPOSITE effect, we don’t care. We also don’t care that Germany, France, and The Netherlands have a relaxed, accepting attitude of teen sexuality and employ a VERY thorough regimen of sex education that includes lots and lots and lots of information on contraception. We don’t care that those counties make it much easier and more acceptable than the US for their youth to access contraception, reproductive care, and abortions – very cheaply or absolutely free, in fact. And we CERTAINLY don’t care that, while teens in the US begin having sex one year earlier and have many more partners than teens in the European countries, those countries have lower rates of teen births, STDs, and abortions than the US, or that the US has the highest rate of HIV/AIDS in the industrialized world, because France is fucking evil and we call them Freedom Fries now. We Americans aren’t ones to look at the successes of other counties and consider adapting their methods. We have God on our side, Goddamnitt, and when you have God, who needs logic, science, or facts?

Good luck, kids! You’re gonna need it. And remember: only dirty Communists have consequence-free sex and enjoy it.

Love,
The Religious Right.

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